What Hurts the Most
by Suki-Itami
Summary: "Just remember, you're never alone."


Kyle looked out of the front window of the house he still lived in with his parents to see the sheet of rain just outside. He could barely see the road but he didn't care, he was waiting to see his blonde walk up with the hood of his usual orange parka pulled up. He told him that he was home alone twenty minutes ago and mostly wanted him there so that he didn't have to be alone during the storm.

_Where is he? _Kyle pulled his cell phone out of the front pocket of his blue jeans and flipped it open. There was a text message from Kenny. He clicked "read."

"_Kyle I'm sorry I won't make it. I want you to stay home because of the storm though. Please, I want you to stay safe. I love you."_

It was sent five minutes ago.

Kyle's eyes narrowed. He clicked the call button on the text and pressed his phone to side of his face. It rang four times and then went to voicemail. Why didn't Kenny answer? He always answered when Kyle called. He tried again.

Still nothing.

He kept trying to call, but kept getting Kenny's voicemail. His stomach dropped and tied into a knot at the same time. Something happened, Kyle knew it. He grabbed his red-orange jacket and green ushanka. Stay at his house? He'd be damned if he was going to leave Kenny alone during this storm and after he got that text message even though he had been told to stay home.

…

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_That don't bother me_

…

Kyle locked his front door and ran out into the storm, not caring that the wind just threatening to send him flying and that he was getting completely soaking wet. He didn't want to be alone, and he didn't think Kenny wanted to be either.

As he turned to run down the street towards the McCormick home, he stopped. His cell phone was vibrating in his pocket and he pulled it from his pocket. He looked at the name, it was Stan. He flipped his phone open and pressed it up to his ear. "What is it?"

"_Kyle, where are you?"_ Stan demanded.

"I'm going over to Kenny's. I'm worried about him."

"_Dude! Are you even aware of the weather? Did you walk?"_

"Y-Yeah."

Stan sighed deeply. _"I'm over at your house right now. I actually came over to tell you that Kenny's in the hospital."_

Kyle's eyes widened and his hand tightened around his phone. "W-What?"

"_Yeah, he's at Hell's Pass. He was hit by a car a little bit ago. I'll come get you, just stay where you are."_

"Uh, y-yeah, I'll stay right here," he murmured. He flipped his phone shut and dropped to his knees. With the rain still hitting his face and the strands of his wavy red hair that was hanging from the front of his ushanka, he couldn't tell if the tears he knew were in his eyes were falling or not.

Kenny was in the hospital? But why would someone hit him? Did they not see Kenny? Or…did Kenny step out onto the street intentionally to die? He'd done it before. Hell, when they were children, he shot himself in the head to prove that he would just come back to life the next morning - something no one had remembered until recently and that had happened almost ten years ago.

…

_I can take a few tears now and then_

_And just let 'em out_

…

He sat there on the sidewalk with his head hung and his shoulders heaving with heavy sobs until a bright red Dodge Neon with its wiper blades on the highest speed stopped next to him. Stan rolled the window down just slightly and told Kyle to jump in.

The redhead stood and ran around to the passenger's seat of the Neon. He dropped down into the passenger's seat and slammed the door shut with a shiver as he felt the heater hit his skin. He kept his eyes trained ahead of him as Stan took off towards the hospital, his arms wrapped tightly around himself to try to heat up again. He hated being cold, and even though the heater was a welcome shift from the rain, it just made him colder.

"Dude, what were you thinking?" Stan asked in almost a yell. "You could've been hurt too!"

"I got a text from Kenny," Kyle said slowly, "and I wanted to see if he was okay."

"A text?"

He nodded. "He was gonna come over so I didn't have to be alone during the storm, but I got a text from him. It worried me so I wanted to go to him to make sure he was okay." He moved so that his forehead was resting in one hand as more tears fell down his face. "I should've just told him I'd be alright."

Stan reached across to his best friend and rested one hand comfortingly on his arm. "It's not your fault. This never happened before dude, and he's stayed with you through so many storms like this, some even worse. Neither of you could've seen this coming."

Kyle smiled at Stan. "Thanks Stan, but…I don't know. I'm really scared for him." He bit his bottom lip. "I don't want him to die."

"Well, even if he does, he'll just come back tomorrow morning, we both know that."

The redhead made a face, but nodded. "Yeah, you're right." Even though he said that, Kyle wasn't sure. Something in his gut screamed at him that Kenny's earlier text message were the final words he'd ever read or even hear from his boyfriend.

…_Two Months Later_…

"Kyle," Sheila opened the door to her son's bedroom and rested her hands on her hips, "get up. You need to go to school today young man."

Kyle didn't move, feigning sleep by keeping his breathing even and facing towards his window, covered in a black out curtain. He stayed like that for a bit more as he waited for his mother to leave his room. When she finally did and he heard her stomp downstairs, he sat up and hugged his knees to his chest.

He looked forward into the red framed mirror to see his black wavy hair framing his too pale rounded face, holding his green eyes surrounded in black tired bags. On the desk next to him were his baggy black jeans and a baggy black t-shirt with a white skull-n-crossbones ironed onto the front. Kyle glanced over at his desk to see a picture of him and Kenny in Renaissance-style masks, their arms around each other, smiling happily at the camera. The picture was taken four months ago by Stan while they were at the Italian "Carnivale" just outside of South Park.

He buried his face into his knees and began to sob. Ever since Kenny had died two months ago, Kyle had lost all hope, all sense of life and motivation, and most of all, love. He had only been with one other man since Kenny's death and that was Stan, and none of it had been out of love. It was just a grief-stricken fuck, and even Stan had known that when they had sex, but he just wanted to comfort Kyle anyway he could, even if it was in a way he had never imagined before.

…

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

…

There was a light knock at Kyle's bedroom door before Stan opened it and stepped inside. "Hey dude."

Kyle's tear-filled eyes turned to his best friend before they were wiped clear of them. He smiled just slight. "Hey Stan."

Stan sat down next to Kyle on the bed when he scooted over for him to. "You gonna come to school today? It's been a long time, everyone misses you."

"…I know, but…I just don't wanna go."

"Please? Cartman's getting on my last nerve. Besides, you need to get out of your house. You've been here ever since Kenny's funeral."

Kyle sighed. "Stan, I," he leaned against Stan's arm, "I'm fine."

Stan rested one arm around his friend's shoulders and held him close. "No you're not. Come to school and I'll believe you."

"Stan…" Kyle turned his head to capture Stan's lips to a passionate, seductive kiss. When Stan didn't fight it, Kyle pulled the neckline of Stan's t-shirt so that the taller teen would be on top of him.

Though he knew where they were heading, Stan didn't bother to fight against it. They both slipped out of their clothes and slowly made love, Kyle begging for Stan to go faster and harder, though he wouldn't comply. They exchanged kisses and held onto each other, their bodies both loving the heat of their contact and friction. Finally, they both tensed and released in a short cry.

After the release, Kyle pushed Stan away and reached for his boxers. "Why didn't you go harder when I told you to?" He muttered.

Stan's eyes narrowed. "Because dude, we really shouldn't even be having mindless sex. It's not healthy."

Kyle stood and pulled on his black jeans. "Whatever." He looked back at Stan. "I'll go to school today."

Stan smiled and pulled on his clothes as well. "Okay dude, let's go."

They walked downstairs and climbed into the Neon. Stan drove off towards the high school with the only thing breaking the silence between the two friends being Disturbed blaring through the speakers of the car.

Kyle leaned against the door and tried to ignore Stan's insistences that they should stop having sex because Kyle only wanted it all the time to keep the lust from when Kenny was alive there, to keep a physical aspect of the blonde with him. He didn't wanna hear it simply because he knew it was true. He missed Kenny and he felt like keeping a physical relationship with Stan would force him to remember all the times him and Kenny had sex, which was quite often.

…

_Even though goin' on with ya gone_

_Still upsets me_

…

By the time they arrived at the high school, Stan had finished lecturing his friend. They both climbed out of the Neon and waited by the trunk of the car for Cartman to drive up and park next to Stan in his black Chevy Malibu.

The fat brunette teenager climbed out of the black car and walked over to his friends with a laugh. "Well, well, the Jew has finally shown himself. But what's this?" He tugged at a fistful of Kyle's dyed hair. "You have finally decided to no longer be a ginger day-walker. Well Kahl, your traitor level has gone down just a bit."

Kyle ground his teeth together. "Let go of my hair fat ass."

"And why should I do that?"

The former redhead turned and connected his fist with the side of Cartman's face. "**That's** why!"

Cartman's hand flew to his cheek and his mouth fell open. "What the hell was that for?"

"I told you to let go of my hair!" Kyle crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the back of the Neon. "Fucking idiot."

"Stan," Cartman whined, "Kahl punched me…!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Well, you did deserve it dude."

The three friends kept bickering as they walked up to the doors of the high school. It was like nothing had changed, like just another day when Kenny decided to skip. When they split up to go to their separate classes, Kyle's smile he'd put on for his friends dropped.

…

_There are days every now and again_

_I pretend I'm okay_

…

He opened his full-sized locker and his eyes automatically fell to the folded note on top of his math book at the bottom of the locker. He picked up the note and peeled off the tape keeping it closed to unfold it, seeing something metallic fall from the note and hit the tile floor. He knelt down and picked up the thin silver ring. An engagement ring? What was that doing in his locker? He looked back at the open note.

_I know this isn't the best way to ask this and it probably isn't the way you imagined I'd ask, but_

_Kyle Broflovski, will you marry me?_

Kyle's eyes widened and filled with new tears. He held the note and ring to him as violet sobs shook his body. The note was clearly in Kenny's handwriting, and had to have been sitting there since that final day the blonde had been alive since he hadn't been to school since.

"Kenny wanted to marry me?" Kyle sobbed out. He didn't even notice all of the people around him, pointing and whispering as they tried to figure out why he was bawling.

…

_But that's not what gets me_

_What hurts the most_

_Is bein' so close and havin' so much to say_

_And watchin' you walk away_

_Never knowin' what could've been_

_And not seein' that loving you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

…

"Kyle?" Bebe knelt down beside Kyle with one hand resting on his shoulder comfortingly. "What's wrong?"

He looked up at the blonde girl and smiled sadly. "Nothing." He showed her the silver band in his palm. "Kenny wanted to marry me."

Her lips tightened into a straight line. "Kyle," she pulled him into her arms, "I'm so sorry."

As much as he wanted to lean into her and sob, Kyle shook his head and slipped the ring onto his left ring finger. "It's fine." He smiled at her and wiped his eyes of his tears when she released him. "Thanks though," he stood up and grabbed his Chemistry textbook, "I appreciate it."

"You gonna be okay?" Bebe asked as he slammed his locker shut.

He looked at her with his smile still in place. "Yeah, I'll be fine." The warning bell for first hour sounded off. He turned and walked towards the science department. "See ya!" He waved back at her for a moment and then allowed his face to drop again as he entered the hall known as the science department.

…

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go_

_But I'm doin' it_

_It's hard force that smile when I see our old friends_

_And I'm alone_

…

Kenny had wanted to marry him! He couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of happiness amidst his depression at knowing his boyfriend had really loved him that much.

Kyle sat down at the lab table with Clyde and the two other people he had never bothered to get to know. When the brunette football player looked at him with shock, Kyle simply smiled and said hi. Clyde asked where he'd been the past two months.

"I've been, uh," Kyle scratched the back of his head, "coping, I guess you would call it."

Clyde shrugged and then smiled. "Well, it's great to see you're back. Our group grade's been suffering massively."

"Hey!" The redheaded girl next to Kyle complained. "Don't say that!"

"It's the truth. We've been half-assing all our assignments since we haven't the slightest idea what we're doing."

Kyle chuckled. "Well, I'm back."

"Why'd you dye your hair?" The goth sitting next to Clyde asked vacantly as he continued sketching in his notebook.

Kyle blinked and shook his head. "I don't know. Black's just seemed like a good color for a while now. Why?"

The goth looked up at the former redhead with a slight glare. "Survivor's regret." Kyle froze. "That's most of the reason. That, and the ring on your finger. I assume Kenny gave you that before he died. And you feel regret about not dying with him." He smirked at the expression on his lab partner's face and pointed at the two black and white checkered wrist bands Kyle wore. "By the way, when'd you start wearing those?"

Kyle's eyes narrowed. "What business is it of yours?"

"Your wrists look like they went through a shredder, don't they?"

He ground his teeth together. How the hell did that little bastard know what his wrists looked like? He slammed his hands down on the black top of the lab table and jerked himself to his feet. "Shut the fuck up! You don't know about the shit I've endured these last few months! I've lost the only person I ever loved, something you'll never fucking know you goddamn–"

"Kyle!" Clyde interrupted. "Calm down. It's not a big deal."

"He can't fucking patronize me like that Clyde! What the fuck does he–"

"Kyle, seriously! Calm down!"

Kyle ground his teeth together and just sat back down. He turned his attention to Clyde in order to ignore the goth sending a triumphant smirk across the table. He hated that the goth kid was right about his survivor's regret. He couldn't help but think that if it hadn't been for his childish fear of thunderstorms then Kenny wouldn't have gotten hit by the car and would still be alive. They'd be engaged and planning their wedding and Kyle's wrists wouldn't be cut to all hell.

…

_Still harder, gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret_

…

As the class went on, Kyle found it harder and harder to keep his tears down and stay in the school. Almost as soon as first hour let out, Kyle ran from the high school at top speed to go home. He didn't even care that his friends wouldn't know where he went or why he left school in the first place, he just needed to get out. He slowed to a walk when the high school was out of sight. Where was he supposed to go now? He couldn't go home, his mother wouldn't have left for work yet, and she'd throw a fit if he just showed up at home out of the blue after only an hour.

He just kept walking, following his feet to where they wanted to go. He didn't even know where he was going until he saw the cemetery up ahead since he had taken the long way to avoid passing in front of his house. Even though he knew visiting Kenny's grave would just make him more depressed, he didn't stop walking until he was in front of the simple stone marked that held Kenny's name and dates of birth and death. He fell to his knees in front of the gravestone and just stared at it, unsure of what to say, if anything.

Kyle wrung his hands together, feeling the engagement ring underneath his right hand as it past over his left. "Kenny, I…I still love you. I really love the engagement ring too," he smiled just slight as a single tear rolled down his face, "I just wish I would've known about this before you died. I would've told you yes, you know that, right…?"

…

_But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I'd left unspoken_

_What hurts the most_

_Is being so close_

_And havin' so much to say_

_(to say)_

_And watchin' you walk away_

…

He sat there in silence for a bit longer, staring at the gravestone through a thin film of tears. Sometime while he was sitting there, the grave-keeper walked up behind him and asked him why he wasn't in school.

"Oh, uh," Kyle stood up and wiped his eyes of the tears, "sorry. I lost track of time. I'll just leave." He turned and ran off towards home, knowing that his mother would be at work by now. He could go home and just be alone.

He unlocked the door and walked inside when he noticed his mother's car was gone. He went up to his room and sat down on his bed with his knees pulled up to his chest. His eyes were trained on the ring around his finger, trying to imagine how life would've been if Kenny were still alive. He'd be happier, they'd be together, Kenny would be with him right then.

"I know you're here…" Kyle rested his forehead on his knees as more tears fell from his eyes. "So, where are you Kenny? Why can't I see you?"

…

_And never knowin' what could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

…

Kyle slipped off his wrist bands to show the thin cuts running up and down the small area of his wrists that the wrist bands covered to the empty room. He grabbed the switchblade he kept on his desk and held down the button so the blade would fly out, cutting into one of his fingers just a bit.

"Ow," he muttered. He looked at his finger absently for a moment before turning the blade on his left wrist. He dug the blade in deep and cut through his skin easily.

This was the only part he hated, the pain and the threat of blacking out, but today he didn't care. Today he would welcome the darkness and pray for it to stay there forever. Grimacing, he switched the hand the blade was in and cut his right wrist the same way he had his left.

…

_What hurts the most_

_Is being so close!_

_And havin' so much to say_

_(to say)_

_And watching you walk away_

…

As the blood flowed out of the two open wounds, Kyle's shaking hands dropped the switchblade. He slumped against the wall the side of his bed was pressed against, his eyes were becoming heavy and darkness was overtaking him.

_I'm coming Kenny,_ he thought sadly, _I'm coming to be with you…_

…

_And never knowin' what could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

…

_When Kyle opened his eyes again, he was laying on the couch in his living room. He sat up and rubbed his pounding head. What happened? Why did his head hurt? Crap. He needed some aspirin._

_He stood slowly and walked for the kitchen so he could get some aspirin. When he entered the kitchen, he stopped. A blonde teen in an orange parka and skinny jeans with full-sized white angel wings behind him was standing just inside of the kitchen sending a hard glare at Kyle._

_Kyle's eyes widened at the sight of the teen standing in front of him. "K-Kenny? You're…alive?"_

_Kenny shook his head. "No, but I was allowed to come see you before your life fully expired."_

"_What're you talking about? My life…?"_

"_You don't remember." He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again, they were softer now. He held his arms out. "Kyle, come here."_

_With tears running down his face, Kyle ran forward and closed his arms tightly around Kenny's torso. "You're here!" He sobbed. "You're here, I can feel you! This is real!"_

_Kenny's arms rested loosely around Kyle and he buried his face into the once-familiar wavy hair. "I can't believe you dyed your beautiful red hair."_

"_I'm sorry, I know you liked it," Kyle muttered apologetically._

_They stayed like that for a little bit more, standing there in Kyle's kitchen with their arms wrapped around each other. Kyle couldn't have been happier, he could've stayed that way forever. Kenny didn't allow it though, he suddenly grabbed onto his boyfriend's shoulders and held him out in front of him at arms length._

"_Kyle, I need to talk with you, that's why I'm here!" Kenny said almost as if to remind himself of why he was there._

"_About what?" Kyle's head tilted to the side just slightly._

_Kenny's lips formed a concerned straight line. "You need to go back. If you don't, I can't save you…you'll be condemned to Hell."_

"_Hell? But, why? What's going on Kenny?"_

_His bottom lip trembled just a bit and a few tears trailed down his cheeks. He pointed at Kyle's wrists. "You killed yourself."_

_Kyle's eyes widened as he looked at his wrists, still crying blood. His mouth opened to scream as the pain and the memory of pushing the blade into his wrists rushed back into his mind. "I…I did…I killed myself." He began sobbing again. "It hurts!"_

_Kenny grabbed onto his wrists, draining the pain from Kyle. "Yes, you did. I don't understand though, why…?"_

_Kyle gasped in a quick breath of air as another sob wracked his body. "I just wanted to be with you again. I found the engagement ring in my locker."_

_Kenny's face dropped. "I'm sorry I did that. I should've done it in person."_

"_It's okay Kenny," Kyle smiled, "it really is. We're together now, that's all that matters!"_

_Another tear fell down the blonde's face. "No, Kyle, we can't be together."_

"_W-Why not?"_

"_If you choose to stay dead, then you'll be sent to Hell for your suicide. I'll go back to Heaven…we'll never see each other again. But if you go back and live your life, we'll be together again." He smiled sadly but softly. "We'll be in Heaven together eventually."_

_Kyle continued sobbing, nearly falling to his knees as he did. Either way, he'd be without Kenny. Why couldn't they just stay there forever? Their surroundings were familiar and they had each other. What else did they need? "What do you want me to do?"_

"_I want you to go back. I want to see you again only when your time has come, and when that happens, I want you to have angel wings too." Kenny kissed Kyle's forehead chastely. "You deserve them after all my angel."_

_Kyle smiled and nodded. "Okay. If it's what you really want me to do, I'll go back."_

_Kenny connected their lips in a passionate kiss for only a few moments and then released Kyle's wrists. "I love you."_

"_I love you too Kenny. I always will."_

"_Oh yeah, stop making Stan give you a pity fuck." He crossed his arms over his chest. "It's not healthy, and I particularly hate seeing you with him."_

_Kyle nodded. "Okay." He reached out with one hand as white surrounded him and Kenny faded away._

…

_Not seein' that lovin' you_

_That's what I was tryin' to do…_

…

Kyle groaned and slowly opened his eyes to hear the beeping of hospital equipment. He looked over at the machine. A heart monitor. He looked back up at the stark white ceiling wondering who found him and helped him find his way back from the place he'd met with Kenny.

"Kyle, you're awake!" Stan said from the doorway. His tone was shocked, he wasn't expecting Kyle to ever wake up. He'd been told his best friend was doomed to die.

Kyle smiled at Stan and said hoarsely, "Yeah, I'm awake. How long was I out for?"

"A few days," he sat down in the chair next to the hospital bed, "no one was expecting you to wake up again. We all thought you were gonna die."

"Kenny brought me back. He told me that he didn't wanna see me in that place until my time came."

Stan smiled. He'd had a near-death experience before, so he knew what Kyle was saying probably was real to him. "I'm glad he did. I couldn't have lived without my best friend."

Kyle's smile disappeared. "Stan, I'm sorry I worried you and everyone else. I promise this won't happen again."

"That's great to hear Kyle."

He smiled a bit more and then slipped his eyes closed to sleep. Before he drifted off, he heard Stan's voice telling him to rest and that he'd be there when he woke up.

Kyle woke up in his dream world in the arms of the angel Kenny he met. They were surrounded by wild flowers. Kenny smiled down at him and softly said:

"_I'll always be with you, even when you feel all alone. Just remember, you're never alone."_


End file.
